Thursday, May 10, 2018

It's A Mess

Nature's mess. Quite lovely, yes?

Messy. I don't like messy. Pick up the socks. Put the books on the shelf. Take the dirty dishes to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher.

Same with my schedule. I thrive when I have a routine. For years, it had been the same.  I would teach every day of the week except Wednesdays and Sundays. Wednesdays were devoted to household tasks. Sundays were for rejuvenating. Tasks got done, lives got lived, work and play danced around each other. I liked it.

But lately, as I've been aiming towards new life goals, that schedule isn't working. The time-sensitive goals the previous schedule fed (be available for the Kid and save enough money to send the Kid to college) have been attained. In fact, if I'm going to achieve my new goals (return to performing and travel more), I had to let go of the old schedule. So I began working on a new habit - allowing my schedule, well actually my life, to unfold. Release my grasp and see what the Universe presented.

At the same time, I decided it was time for a social media cleanse. I found myself spending so many minutes hours scrolling on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I found myself annoyed with the content dear friends were posting. I found myself reading about Time Well Spent. It was time for me to scrub that part of my life clean.

Well, let me tell you, changing not one, but two big habits simultaneously? You know what that led to.

It's a mess.

It's awkward. Every day is different. Which is the way my life used to be, years ago and I loved it. Now, it's new and awkward.

It's clumsy. I miss events because I haven't gone on FB for a day. Lots of birthdays, for which I feel bad, but was I wishing my sort-of friend from 4th grade happy birthday before FB? No.

It's leading me to a state of thrivement (I just made up a word!) as I work towards new goals.

It's making me anxious. I'm concerned that I'll miss a legitimately important event or work opportunity.

It's made me calmer. I'm not as easily sucked into someone else's social media rants.

It's given me more time. So what do I do with that time? Well, I'm reading more. Specifically books, including Educated by Tara Westover, which I highly recommend.

It's a mess.

It's my life.

How messy was the artistic process that led to this sculpture?

Is this why we stick with habits, even if they no longer serve our goals? Because we know where these habit leads? To a land of no surprises, only occasional sparks of newness, just enough to keep us alive?

I remind myself I am living the way I believe life should be lived. I am stretching and scaring myself every day.

I remind myself control is highly overrated.

I feel uncomfortable. I go on on.

It's a mess.

Are those branches perfectly formed? No. They're a mess.
Beautiful, but a mess.

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