On The Other Side

 I'm on the other side of a rough patch again. These rough patches bother me. They make me feel like a fraud. How can I guide others when I am so incredibly lost myself? 

Which is exactly what makes me good at who I am and what I do. First, being a human first. Second, acknowledging the roughness of that humanity. Thirdly, utilizing that humanity to transform - myself and the world.

These rough patches also bring me humility, which, as much as I hate it admit it, is something I need.

Still, this rough patch was the roughest I've experienced recently. Even through the entire pandemic. This one was bottom of the barrel, cognitive failing, waking up crying, full-on biologically depressed, desperate conversations with strangers (thank you to the two women and their dogs at the Radnor Trail last Sunday) rough.

In the end, what is bringing me out of this episode are the small actions. 

The awkward and loving conversations. With friends, family and Beloved. No single one was the key. The thought here, the comment there. They all add up.

Living with the difficult emotions. The frustration which leads to sadness which leads to pain. This part of living is exhausting to me. Yet essential. To feel and acknowledge, yet not to wallow. To know the line between acknowledging and wallowing.

Routine. Which includes exercise, healthy food and creativity. Even though they feel completely pointless. And then compassion when I fail.

Sunshine. As much as possible, particularly this time of the year.

Staying away from social media. I love y'all, but sometimes you are too much.

Creative acts. Yesterday, I returned to a song I had performed a couple of years ago. It was bad. Awful. Terrible. I am not fishing for compliments. That's the truth. I did it anyway. Because I recognize the benefit in creatively expressing my own self.

Today I'm better. I can feel a realignment of my mind, soul and body. The clarity of thought that had been absent has returned. The layers have been pulled away so I can clearly see the roots of the problems. I know where to focus my energies. 

I start the day with an easy walk. Because I can. As so often happens, fresh thoughts appear. 

I realize it is the small actions that have gotten me through the pandemic. Not only through the pandemic, but through life. And it is the small actions that will carry me on.

Let's all settle down. Let's all take yet another collective breath. We are here. Even in our exhaustion, let us continue to practice gratitude and compassion. For ourselves and for those around us. We are making it. Beyond making it, we are thriving. We may be temporarily blinded, but we are thriving.