Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Walking Through Fire

I shouldn't be writing this post today.

I should be on my way to Machu Picchu.  But I'm not.

Here's why:

I'm still playing The Waiting Game.  Even with the attitude adjustments I've recently made, I honestly believed I'd be done with the game by now.  I also thought I would either be working on the new project or I'd be adventuring my way through Peru and Bolivia with Beloved.

I'm not.  I'm in my studio.

Don't worry, I'm not in a bad place...anymore.  I walked through the fire last Friday night and Saturday morning.



Here's why:

A final decision on the project, I was told last week, would absolutely happen last Friday.  After much thought, crunching of numbers, sleeping on it, and in the end, trusting our guts, Beloved and I decided to postpone the trip.  Machu Picchu isn't going anywhere.  We lost what feels like a lot of money (4 digits, 2 zeros, the other 2 under 6), but we didn't lose it all (buy the travel insurance) and here's a sincere plug for Gate1 Travel for working with us.

I was fine until Friday night around 8:00 pm.  That's when I became disheartened.  My thoughts started with "they're not going to communicate tonight", moved through "they're not ever going to communicate" and straight to "they're going to let me hang out here".

Friday night was uncomfortable.  I slept, but the worst was that 3:43 am wakeup call.  You know the one.  Your mind runs around the same situation over and over and over.  Even worse, I had the feeling that my instincts had failed me completely.  That every decision I had made in this was wrong.

THAT is the worst feeling to me.  To think that I couldn't rely on my instincts.  That was Fire No. 1.

I walked through it.  I faced it and reminded myself of all the positives that had already come out of this situation.  That this happens to other people as well.  That I had support and love from Beloved, colleagues and friends galore.

Fortunately, these positives settled in and I fell asleep.

Fire No. 2 came when I woke up and joined Beloved on the patio for our morning coffee.  Now he was down!  I let him talk, even though it was hard.  I just wanted to cry, which I did.  I cried.  And then I listened.  That was smart.  And then we agreed to

GET OUT OF HERE

Hey, we were supposed to be on our way to the airport for a trip we had planned for 11 months!  And we weren't.  We had no work planned for the day, no appointments, no responsibilities, no one even knew we were in town.  So I hopped on the Internet and found this gem.  2 hours later (okay we had one responsibility.  We had to mow the lawn), we were on our way.

Central Pennsylvania welcomed us with open arms.  We visited natural sites, explored a cemetery, walked down hot country roads, ate ice cream and German food, drank wine, talked, sat in the fresh air, looked at the vistas around us and recovered.




By Saturday afternoon, I was on the other side of both fires.  My trust in my own instincts was rejuvenated.  Clearly, whatever was going on with this project was way beyond me.  I had taken the right steps.  Sticking this out was the right choice.  I give up so easily.  Here I was, sticking it out.  It was uncomfortable, it felt terrible, I lost money, BUT I was on the other side of the fire.

Now I honestly didn't care.  Now I was able to just go on.  Now I was able to live a day at a time.  I'm sure that will change, but for right now I could do it.  THAT is different. It feels great!

By Sunday afternoon, I was back.  I had a simple plan that wouldn't burn any bridges and that I could live with.  We headed home the slow way, off the interstate.  It was delightful.

Around 3:30, I glanced at my phone.  Lo and behold, the first communication since Thursday.

Still hang in there, please.

Really.

I'm still in there.  I'm just not hanging.



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bravo. You are seeing the glass 1/2 full again. That is tough tough tough. This is a great post - honest and moving. Plus you had German food and ice cream. It's all good. Cynthia

Heidi Hayes said...

Thank you for this comment, Cynthia. You know, I've really been working on being positive for, oh, I'll say 5 years. It has become much easier and life is much more enjoyable. I'm pleased to see the work paying off.